Why am I still in pain?
This is so ridiculous.
I keep telling myself that it’s just emotions. I’m supposed to feel them and the pain will pass.
Worse still, I don’t want anyone to know I’m tipped and scattered.
I just feel like an idiot.
And if he knew…
He was already controlling. If he knew I was this fucked up about him he would have control forever.
What’s wrong with me?
The sex was amazing. Yes, I could have him back just for the sex.
But I miss him.
His incessant phone calls, and text messages, stealing my time to make sure I had time for nothing else.
I knew I shouldn’t put up with it, so I didn’t.
So why do I miss it?
I have had controlling partners.
I’ve even had abusive partners.
I’ve learnt a lot.
So, why do I still desire this man so much?
What is it about the way I feel that I won’t let go of?
I do believe that he has already let go, so putting this out there is extremely painful.
I dunno. I just want this man. I just want to share his energy. Feed him. Dissolve into him.
I want to listen to him talk. Tell me his stories. Explain the way he thinks.
I want to watch him trust me.
I HATE the humanity of it.
Surely I am a more hardened cynic than this?
Especially when he has so thoroughly left. Why would I even put this out there?
Because the pain hasn’t gone. I can’t shake it off.
Regardless of the foolhardiness, I have been given this experience. To resolve.